Refreshed and rejuvenated.

I took a short break from writing as it was important to regroup, reflect and re-energise. I return now for the onset of spring hopefully refreshed and rejuvenated.

It seems as if the world has gone mad in recent months, and I am not sure that at 51 my life has followed the path that seemed inevitable or appropriate. I do know that at 51 in the UK wisdom and experience count for very little in the current cut and thrust of an austere economic climate. I find myself overqualified and overlooked for less complex jobs and career options and “too expensive” in my own line of work. We were led to believe that if we worked hard and demonstrated dedication loyalty and good work ethic it would lead to justified rewards this appears not to be the case after the age of 50.

Anyway enough whingeing. I must cart on. I must continue to believe that somewhere someone will give me a break and continue to be thankful for the understanding and support of my two current employers for giving me the opportunity to contribute in a productive and meaningful way.

I did need to take a break though, and I have done jigsaw puzzles, walked briskly, read a book, played scrabble and gone for a winter wander in our little caravan. I return to find the crocuses blossoming and the fresh scent of spring on the doorstep. Life continues to astound in its ability to restore order through and after chaos. There is a natural order that somehow continues to exist, first there are the snowdrops, then the daffodils and crocuses, soon it will be the cherry blossom and the tulips.

Onward and upward. Tally-ho.

 

©Alison Jean Hankinson

The Invisible Worm…

Endo warrior.

Bravely fighting for breath somewhere between bloodbath

And deep painful chasm of menstrual despair

Adenomyosis crippling.

 

She took the apple from the tree

To set her free

Unaware of the invisible worm it carried deep inside.

 

It burrowed its way inside her,

It perforated her uterus

It wormed its way deep inside her pelvis.

And came to rest 3mm from her spine.

 

Mirena

Bayer’s little game-changer.

It changed her game forever.

 

Her hair fell out, her eyes bled,

Fevers ravaged her body

Her insides turned to poison.

And Arthritis set in.

 

The invisible worm

No crimson joy

It nearly did her life destroy.

 

©Alison Jean Hankinson

This for d’verse where we were asked to use symbolism and I wanted to use “the invisible worm”.

Endometriosis and Adenomyosis blight the lives of many women. Unfortunately, the Mirena is another one of those medical catastrophes that were intended to give hope but for some caused irreparable and devastating damage and consequences.

The image was created by sammydavisdog on Flickr.

Visiting time.

It is a moment shared

Amid the peace and quiet

Of a drizzly afternoon.

 

No need to talk anymore

Our words and thoughts are feathers

Floating on the breeze

 

A smile, a nod to show we care

A hand held here

Love’s conversation needs.

 

© Alison Jean Hankinson.

The image is my great grandfather John Henry Mcclenan- he was in the military hospital.

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Autumn mists

We had to take Emily to a very early morning television shoot, she was being an extra. It gave us the chance to make the most of Tatton Park and the autumn leaves before the trees are rendered naked by Ophelia.  She became unexpectedly very ill and we rushed home and she was admitted to hospital. I had to come home and leave her there.

She phoned all awry and crying this morning and as I rushed to get to her I looked back towards the sea and saw the most amazing misty haze, and it was the calm before the storm, going into town the River Lune was like a looking glass. They have kept her in again and the wind is billowing and blowing.

Calm before the storm

Sea mists rise and hazy hues

Leaves flutter and fall.

 

©Alison Jean Hankinson

This is for d’Verse. Haibun Monday.

 

Back to school blues….

Early morning indigestion

Motorway congestion

Students fully of germs and bugs

Too much work and brain fug

 

Brow burns

Streaming snot

Sore throat

Head hot

 

Wake up feeling dreadful

First cold of the season

Grateful it is weekend

And I don’t have to pretend or reason

 

With unruly students, pesky pests,

Procrastinators, sharp-cornered desks

Eager beavers and teacher pleasers.

Sat in bed instead with TV and Maltesers.

 

Pass the tissues, please. XXX

 

©Alison Jean Hankinson

 

 

 

 

 

Fire burns at back of throat

I’ve got the lot

 

The beauty of imperfection.

In d’Verse we were asked to focus on imperfection for our haibun Monday Wabi-Sabi. My haiku isn’t a proper one as it is human.13411939_10209544645598467_2234712537344072344_o

Today I started my new job and met some new work colleagues. One beautiful lady was in the office with her baby, she was on maternity leave but had come in to share the joy of this young man. He looked beautiful and his arms were so open and he looked so uncurled and yet it took me back to the arrival of my girls. Ellen emerged in a state of perfect relaxation, but Emily’s arrival was more stark and primaeval, the screams were of real anger and short-lived. She was whisked off to the SCBU within the hour when I told the nurses it sounded like she was barking. Unbeknown to us the damage was already done.

Emily was diagnosed with cerebral palsy in the November on my birthday,  was classed as having spasticity in all four quadrants and we were told she might never walk. Ellen and Emily worked together on this and she walked at 16 months old. We just carried on as best we could and she has achieved so much in her 18 years so far, and her imperfections are actually just a part of her surreal beauty and magical character. What she has achieved so far in her young life is way and above what many people without such obvious imperfections achieve. I told some of my story and was horrified at the irony-all is not what it seems and this little fellow had a similar story, but my little girl with her imperfections is nothing short of inspiration for others who are treading these uncertain imperfect waters.

Winter frost beckons
Stiff frozen imperfections
Sibling love melts ice.

©Alison Jean Hankinson

 

Fake it ’til you make it.

Affirmations

 

  1. They help us to remind ourselves of the positives. After all that is what they are all about, they are intended to help us affirm our strengths.
  2. They help to restore the balance within our brains that can occur when our self-esteem has taken a bit of a battering. (self–esteem can be very fluid.)
  3. They feed and nourish our long-term self-efficacy.
  4. Fake it until we make it, a lot of research out there suggests that we can shape what we will become by the thoughts we perceive as important, and therefore having good thoughts about ourselves should ultimately lead us to have better outcomes in life.
  5. It can give us a better sense of gratitude and self-worth.

My acrostic was my attempt at writing myself an affirming acrostic, it isn’t about its depth and breadth as a piece of poetry but about the mental processes and the affirmations that occurred whilst penning it.

Amazing

Fun loving

Friendly

Industrious

Resilient

Maternal

Accepting

Tenacious

Intelligent

Open to new ideas

Nurturing.

 

 

Alison Jean Hankinson.