Missing Ellen

For a moment my resolve waivers

I am on a precipice being plunged into darkness

By the weight of losing you.

Dull ache and yearning for your return.

Was I a good parent?

Should I have done more?

A flicker of doubt devours me.


©Alison Jean Hankinson

This is for d’Verse. Happy sixth birthday. It is Quadrille night and the word we were given was flicker. Ellen is my eldest twin daughter and we left her behind in NZ- very remiss of us. XXX

Author: alisonhankinson

Walking tall whenever I can.

23 thoughts on “Missing Ellen”

  1. I think about the future years when the kids are out of the house. At that point my ‘say’ will be over and then what? Kids come through us but are not us – they are their own people. If you were not a good mother, you wouldn’t even be capable of writing such a heartfelt piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, that flicker of doubt is always there waiting to devour us. Didn’t some comedienne say “Guilt comes with ovaries”, and didn’t Garrison Keillor call the Presbyterian Church in Lake Woebegone “Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt”.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We all have doubts – but I doubt you are anything but a wonderful mum. It takes courage to let our children go, be themselves, for in our hearts they will always be children and we have a need to keep them ‘safe’.
    Your words touched me and I thank you for sharing.
    Anna :o]

    Liked by 1 person

  4. New Zealand is a paradise at least. We have 2 daughters & 6 grandchidren near us, but our oldest has been thousands of miles away for a decade, with 2 grandchildren we rarely see. Parenting; what a reality

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You have an Ellen too! My Ellen isn’t so far away – she’s only in Guildford. How old is your Ellen? I bet you miss her so much – I miss my Ellen and she’s only a couple of hours away. We have a nephew in New Zealand, as well as some other friends and family. but it’s such a long way to travel. Blow out that flicker of doubt, Alison – you are a good mum – the photos don’t lie!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A wonderful post that parents can surely identify with. Our children truly live always in our hearts….but I must admit, it is much much better when we can see them! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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