For a moment my resolve waivers
I am on a precipice being plunged into darkness
By the weight of losing you.
Dull ache and yearning for your return.
Was I a good parent?
Should I have done more?
A flicker of doubt devours me.
©Alison Jean Hankinson
This is for d’Verse. Happy sixth birthday. It is Quadrille night and the word we were given was flicker. Ellen is my eldest twin daughter and we left her behind in NZ- very remiss of us. XXX
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I generally feel doubts if I could have done things differently, second-guessing decisions of the past. I hope she is OK in NZ.
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The good thing is that she is still there… usually there is nothing to be done differently
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I’m sure what you did was for the best, but it won’t stop you wishing things could have been different.
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My mother questioned herself her whole life, no doubt. We do that, don’t we. I think, down deep, we are all so insecure. Too bad children don’t come with a set of instructions!
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When you can let her live where she wants to be that is the greatest gift a mother can give 💜
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Oh, motherhood – it’s all doubts and mistakes and self flagellation. I felt your pain, but I’m sure you did what you needed to do.
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I think about the future years when the kids are out of the house. At that point my ‘say’ will be over and then what? Kids come through us but are not us – they are their own people. If you were not a good mother, you wouldn’t even be capable of writing such a heartfelt piece.
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This is so touching.. know that as a parent you would do the best you can..
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Ah, that flicker of doubt is always there waiting to devour us. Didn’t some comedienne say “Guilt comes with ovaries”, and didn’t Garrison Keillor call the Presbyterian Church in Lake Woebegone “Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt”.
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Doubt— the unquenchable flicker.
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That flicker of doubt…we all have them. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not doing enough.
Thanks Alison for being part of our journey.
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We all have doubts – but I doubt you are anything but a wonderful mum. It takes courage to let our children go, be themselves, for in our hearts they will always be children and we have a need to keep them ‘safe’.
Your words touched me and I thank you for sharing.
Anna :o]
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New Zealand is a paradise at least. We have 2 daughters & 6 grandchidren near us, but our oldest has been thousands of miles away for a decade, with 2 grandchildren we rarely see. Parenting; what a reality
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I’m sure anyone would miss such an adorable child. My heart goes out to you.
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I am sorry that you are missing your daughter. My heart hurts for you.
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Parents always miss their children and keep wondering if they could have done more for their little angels. But I ‘m sure we all do our best. Love to your little one 🙂
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Oh, that flicker of doubt gnaws at the soul. I feel your pain.
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These doubts, they haunt us..
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I’m sorry for your heartache…I can only imagine the pain (and doubt!) of such a difficult decision.
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You have an Ellen too! My Ellen isn’t so far away – she’s only in Guildford. How old is your Ellen? I bet you miss her so much – I miss my Ellen and she’s only a couple of hours away. We have a nephew in New Zealand, as well as some other friends and family. but it’s such a long way to travel. Blow out that flicker of doubt, Alison – you are a good mum – the photos don’t lie!
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A wonderful post that parents can surely identify with. Our children truly live always in our hearts….but I must admit, it is much much better when we can see them! 🙂
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Those doubts will flicker on and off…it is our nature…let them come and go…attach no blame….hard to do but you are better for it…choices made are best left that way.
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Oh no! That’s when a mother’s heart-beat quickens, hoping that all will turn out well. Happy that all was resolved. ❤
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